Sunday, August 24, 2014

Weekend Reflection - Self Improvement

I'm on a serious mission. A lot of people wouldn't guess that I'm really insecure because of how I interact with others and carry myself, but it's true. My mission is this: to break free of my insecurities. It has proven to be quite challenging, but I'm going to push myself to avoid negative thoughts. While speaking to a friend, Rahmah Popal, at Jummah this past week, I was reminded that everyone faces these challenges, but it's those who rid themselves of major insecurities who are really able to be free. The last time I had a deep conversation with her was almost exactly a year ago, and while she was convinced she had a greater purpose in this life, but had no clue which direction she was headed. Now she seems to have it all figured out (Mashallah!), and she really did inspire me to just keep looking forward and hold my head up high.


I'm a roller coaster when it comes to self-image; one day I'll be completely happy and proud of myself, other days I magnify every flaw of mine and it really brings me down. Over the last couple of years I've become less social and I value privacy and exclusion more, which directly relates to how I see myself. And it sucks because I've actually felt myself changing year by year... There are reasons for the huge shift in my thoughts and behaviors; it's because I lost trust in people who let me down and I fell into a state of what some of my close friends diagnose as depression. I'm not really sure if I've been depressed, but honestly the way I feel sometimes points directly to the illness. When I put my heart into making things work with others, I expect the same in return and I'm always disappointed... it fuels my lows. I spent every ounce of my love on another person and at this point, I'm all spent out. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I need to aim higher for me. I need to direct all my love inwards, towards my family, and most importantly towards God. Instead of my focal point being someone I love romantically, I'm working on developing a new center: my relationship with God. I'm not really sure how I'm going to do this, it's much easier said than done. I will, though.

Here's to aiming higher - because we all deserve a little lot of self-love. Join me in battling insecurities.

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